Searching for the Moon

Shannon Clark's rambles and conversations on food, geeks, San Francisco and occasionally economics

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Posted by shannonclark on October 4, 2002

I really should know better…

or how some things in my life just keep repeating

It seems, almost without fail, when I buy tickets for something in advance, that life intercedes to prevent me from taking advantage.

At the moment, it appears that my date for Saturday is off – which really sucks. She may have to help a friend of her’s move – what’s most annoying about this, is not that she is helping a friend (I do believe her) – I would hope that a woman I am attracted to is the type to help her friends when they need help – but that clearly she did not hold our plans for tomorrow in much import – she does want to do something some other time – (she ended with “next time”) so that is not a bad sign, but it is perhaps, a sign that she may not be treating these dates as “dates” as I had hoped she would be…

Or perhaps I am just reading too much (or too little?) into this all.

I offered to help her and her friend with the move (suggesting that perhaps we could finish in time for the movie…) even if we missed the movie, I mostly want to spend time with her – the movie really is very secondary.

But I do have the tickets for the film in my wallet – absolute worse case I’ll go to the theater on Saturday (assuming that our date is really off) and look for someone who needs a ticket – preferably a cute single movie loving straight woman… but I might just sell both tickets to a couple and walk away (or go to a friend’s booksigning up in Evanston) – who knows, perhaps it will work out for the best – but I guess it also says something that a large part of me doesn’t really want that to happen – I really do want to spend time with her – she really does hold my interest.

Somehow though very typical of my life – and consistent with my not having ever really had a second date with someone (okay, one ex-girlfriend is the exception, but our first “date” didn’t happen until after we had spent a night together – but not quite as that sounds… very complicated)

Okay, perhaps not so complicated – my one serious ex-girlfriend and I, while we did lots of “frolicking” as some might say, we never did have intercourse – so while we did sleep together before our first “date” as such, we didn’t do all that that phrase might usually imply.

But other than with her, I have never had a real second date with someone – I’ve had plenty of female friends with whom I have done activities that would seem to look like “dates” but it was always pretty clear that we were doing them as friends – this is the first time actually that I have had a series of interactions with someone, had one real “date” and continued in a manner that I hope at least makes it clear that I would like it to be more than just a friendship…

However, having never succeeded at that in the past – I wonder if I just naturally send off signals to woman that I am “friend” not “lover” material?

Annoyingly this has also really put me in a very poor mood – all my plans for this weekend seem to be ending (tonight I had planned on going out with a group of friends to celebrate one friend’s birthday – but instead she wants to spend the evening at home writing – which I can’t say is a bad thing – and is probably what I should spend the evening doing myself)

I do wish I could break out of this pattern in my life however – I can sense that were I in a relationship while not everything would be perfect (at least not forever) that a whole about my life would be better – and that I would be much more motivated to do lots of things – there is only so much and so long that you can go through life living mostly alone – I think I hit my limit about four+ years ago.

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