Searching for the Moon

Shannon Clark's rambles and conversations on food, geeks, San Francisco and occasionally economics

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Posted by shannonclark on February 13, 2003

That time of year again

can we just skip right to Saturday and forget about tomorrow?

Okay, the one year out of 28 that I had a date on Valentine’s day was rather nice – though the restaurant we chose was only so-so – and something important about the nature of that whole relationship was revealed that day (though I was complimented by a friend on my choice of girlfriends which was good, I guess).

Tomorrow’s expected up to 8 inches of snow may help my mood, but only slightly.

Each year that goes by reminds me of just how alone I live and have lived most of my life. Yes, I am close to my family. Yes, I have always had good friends – but they have always (basically) been just that – friends. And every year they are less and less prone to getting together, to doing things, to just hanging out – and so, more and more, I spend my time alone.

While there is certainly an introspective streak in me – I truly don’t think that for all that I am and have been, I’m made out to live a life alone. I need human contact – but have not had it in a very very long time.

And yes, while I am referring in part to sex et al., I’m also referring to just simple human contact of the hold hands, pat on the shoulder, good firm hug, kisses kinds of contact. I truly can not recall the last time I kissed someone on the lips – but I suspect strongly that it was in 1998.

Hard as that may be for many people to believe. Most people, it seems, go in and out of relationships with ease – and most people actually enter into them.

I’m not most people clearly – and I need someone to break me out of this mode – not how I want to live the rest of my life, let alone the rest of the year (or month for that matter).

I know that not drinking does not help me – especially here in Chicago where social life and bars/nightclubs seems to be hand in hand. So the chances of me meeting someone keep diminishing (and online sources do not seem to work for me either, nor do friends – I have been set up on ONE date in my ENTIRE life, and that was over 8 years ago).

The types of woman I am most attracted to probably don’t help either – they tend to be very smart, very driven woman – so they rarely have time – and it seems, usually are already in a relationship (not infrequently one with another woman – I’m generally attracted to woman who are very liberal and openminded, not infrequently bi-sexual.)

I am not “smooth”, I don’t have “moves”, I don’t have “lines” – and I have very very little practice with anything having to do with dating or relationships. While my friends ten years ago were already bored with the basics and experimented with a bit of everything – I had not yet done the basics, let alone more complex elements of relationships.

Even here, in my journal where I tend to be pretty open about everything, I hesitate to talk about or write about sex or things sexual. Mostly because I am truly basicaly without experience.

And as a 28 year old American male – this is very odd and unusual.

In my office I share space with someone who is 24 – in the past four months he has been here, he has picked up more woman in bars than I have done anything even remotely sexual with in my entire life, let alone in the past four months.For him it seems perfectly natural and normal – for me I don’t get it at all.

I’m sure I’m old fashioned. I’m sure I’m very inexperienced – from the simplest kiss to the act itself.

And I am afraid that it will only get worse and worse for me – though I was told when I was 21 that most likely my 30’s would be a very good decade for me – but that my 20’s would probably not be. That even then, I was probably not the type of guy woman in their 20’s would be interested in, but that when I was in my 30’s I would almost certainly be the type of guy they were interested in – i.e. a “nice” guy who can cook, who likes kids, who’s successful, who doesn’t drink etc.

I’m certainly not a small man – but neither am I “fat” – and I have been loosing weight this year, almost 20 pounds so far (and loosing a pound or two every day or two so I’m making progress). I dress reasonably well – though not as well these days – need to do more replenshing of my warddrobe.

I don’t think I’m boring when on dates – but clearly I don’t know how to progress a date to “the next step” – since I have not, basically, ever done that in my entire life.

In the non-relationship/sex aspects of my life I know tons of people, I talk to people all the time on the phone and online – I correspond with people across the globe. My professional career is taking off at the moment – but I can’t seem to match up my professional life with my personal.

So – I am always open to blind dates on or offline.

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